By David Neilsen
Here at SpookyMG, we pride ourselves on saying that Spooky is Year Round. That means that while we adore Halloween (and as I live in Sleepy Hollow Country, Halloween is my own personal Christmas), there is no need to wait until October to read a spooky tale.
In that spirit (pun intended), I thought I’d list a few of the things about the warm, sunny season of Summer which we are about to enter that truly terrify me.
Seven Spooky Summer Scares:
HEAT: Hot things bother me. I am not a huge fan. Of course, I’m even less of a fan of cold things, so there ya go. But really hot things–like walking barefoot on the pavement while being followed by a three-headed monster, or standing still in the sunlight for hours afraid to move because of the gruesome slime creation that is only attracted to movement, or the sunburn that peels off your back and then transforms into an evil doppelganger made of your own burnt flesh–just freak me out.
INSECTS: They tend to come out in the Spring, but don’t go away until the chill of Winter freezes their little wings or feet or other appendages. I hate it when a swarm of these things buzz about my head, desperately trying to suck out my blood or gnaw on my flesh, one little itty-bitty bite at a time. You know that story about the kid who set his soda down on the wall, and when he picked it up and drank it, it felt lumpy, and then when he poured it out it was littered with ants? That was me. Honest-to-God. 12 years old. I have never recovered.
THE END OF SCHOOL: This terrifies me because the end of school means CHILDREN. Specifically, EVIL CHILDREN with nothing to do, so they hunt the neighbors, or hide out in creepy garages trying to raise the dead. Bored children are, perhaps, one of the true evils in the world. You’re walking down the street, minding your own business, when suddenly you notice that you are surrounded by about six of the little devils (they always hunt in packs) and you just know they’re looking for a human sacrifice.
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK: Don’t get me wrong, I love ice cream. It’s the trucks that frighten me. They slowly inch down the street playing the slightly-warped music that acts as a siren call to evil children (see above). Who drives these trucks? What are they really selling? They have a hypnotic effect over the younguns, and even some adults are often caught with a wistful, teary-eyed look on their face when that music enters their ears. And that’s just weird because nobody actually has any fond memories of an ice cream truck. We are simply drawn in by the IDEA of the ice cream truck. It’s mind control, plain and simple as a hammer to the forebrain. Evil mind control.
THE BEACH: Sand gets everywhere. And the things that live in the sand get everywhere. And they come out when you least expect them and crawl over your face and infest your body with spores. Other beach evils include: sharks, boating accidents, jet skis, crabs, poisonous sea anemonies, and kids playing frisbee, because they are always terrible and that frisbee becomes a spinning circle of death in their hands. A spinning circle of death that is coming for you.
VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES: What? You don’t equate ventriloquist dummies with Summer? You should. They live for the season when their shiny bodies can almost seem real on a late summer evening when the light hits them just right and they are walking toward you and telling you to stay calm, that everything’s going to be fine, that you have a new master. And their eyes are always open. They are always looking at you. Judging you. Imagining various sharp implements sticking out of you. You see, they really just want to shove their hand inside your body. Fair is fair, right?
SLIP ‘N’ SLIDES: There was this kid in my neighborhood who went on a Slip ‘N’ Slide and broke his knee. AND HE DIDN’T HIT ANYTHING. He just slid down the slippery, wet plastic and when he reached the bottom, his knee was broken. The next week, another kid slid down it and came up with massive rug burns on both shins. His legs were red for days. And yet just a couple of days later, that Slip ‘N’ Slide was out again, waiting for the next victim. Thing is, nobody knew whose it was. It didn’t actually seem to belong to anybody. It was just the neighborhood Slip ‘N’ Slide. And it had it out for the kids.
These are just a few of the fight-worthy things about Summer. I’m sure you can come up with a dozen more. Because Spooky is Forever.
Have a good Summer.